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Don't really care about what happens to me
2006-01-04
Let's get the obvious out of the way first: Happy New Year, everyone!
Ok, done.
New Year's Eve was...ok. The usual actually. Not more or less than what I'm used to. Basically hung out in front of the tv / comp. Then went upstairs to my Grandpa's flat at midnight to have a glass of champagne and watch the fireworks as you can see them a lot better from his window. That's become a sort of tradition. But every year, I wonder if we really go up there because of that reason or because my Mom doesn't want my Grandpa to stick around for hours afterwards. And we know he would. He'd make us drink the entire bottle instead of just a glass and then keep on ranting about the war and how they didn't have fireworks back then and blablabla. So yeah, I love him and all but it's really getting so bad. I feel bad writing this after reading Tina's entry about her Grandpa and also Mariam's last one. But I can't help it. I'm getting so fed up. He's really causing a lot of trouble with his attitude lately. Basically, he'll just talk and talk and talk. And he doesn't even acknowledge the presence of other people or care about what they have to say. Mind you, it's easy to put up with when he's just telling stories from the past. I mostly ignore him then. But he also does it any otherwise stressful situations. Like when we got lost on our way to my uncle's place on Christmas because they had changed the complete highway. See, one of the tiny towns in that area was wiped off the map lately because they needed the place for some industrial area or whatever. So they built a new part of the highway with new exits and we got lost. And he kept raving on and on and getting really pissed off. Well, so was I but there was no reason for him. He kept complaining about my car windows being too dirty so he couldn't see. Well, sorry, but I could see everything quite clearly. And then he complained about me not having a map in the car. I pointed out that...
But I got totally off the track here now. I believe I was writing about NYE?! But yeah, there's really not much else to it. After watching the fireworks, I went back downstairs and watched TV just to fall asleep on the couch at around 2:00 AM and wake up again around five, feeling all stiff and drooling all over myself. Eww. But it was still ok because the night had gone rather smoothly without any big wave of depression or anything. There was a little hint of frustration when I found out that mostly everyone I know was out partying or having a good time with friends or whatever. But I think I got used to that by now, so it's fine. Who cares anyway? One thing I definitely learnt last year (without making a huge recap out of this now) was that no one ever really cares. I can whine and cry and complain and have a total breakdown but it's never gonna change a thing in myself or others. I noticed how I had at least a dozen Wake up-call situations last year. Moments when I thought "This is it. You can't go on like this." And I really thought that somehow one of those...incidents would change me. Push some button inside my head. Just bring on a change, any change. But that just never happened. Mind you, I know I'm still gonna have all the drama and my little outbursts because I doubt I could rid of that if I tried. But by now, I'm just pretty sure that I'll never really have one of those special moments. Maybe my life will change and maybe at some point, there will be someone who actually really gives a fuck. Maybe I will give a fuck. Who knows?! But it won't come to me like some...apparition or whatever. That only ever happens on TV, I suppose.
Maybe there might even be some sort of change soon. As I predicted at Christmas (maybe not here but everywhere else), all the employers are going wild now that the holidays are over. I keep getting calls for this and that and whatever. This week is pretty stressful, actually. On Monday, I got a call to tell me that someone wants to invite me for an interview on Friday. The interview's in Cologne, though. The strange thing is that the actual job is here in my area. It's through some temp agency and I totally get that. What I don't get, however, is why companies don't look for agencies in their area. Oh well...it's fine. So I'm off to Cologne on Friday.
Man, this entry is taking me ages. Mostly because I keep getting distracted. First, I pre-ordered The Corpse Bride. It won't be out before May but it feels good to know that I may forget about the date as it'll come to me no matter what.
Now I'm having a totally fucked-up, yet strangely funny, conversation about penguin with Jan. He keeps babbling about Tux, the Linux-penguin and I am wondering how penguins have sex since they're standing on their genitals. Amusing as hell. And frustrating because...how do they have sex?
Oh yeah, back to topic (sort of): Because of the interview on Friday, I'm going to the hairdresser on Thursday. My Mom's paying (gift voucher for Christmas and all) and I'm really excited cos it's a new place I've never tried before. Hope it goes well and they'll change my look a little but not too much. I'm so never gonna shed the black. After that, it's straight to the photographer to get new pics taken.
I really can't concentrate on this anymore and I've pretty much written everything I wanted to write (and a bit more), so it's enough for a first entry of the year.
a) I usually drive alone and mostly in areas I roughly know, so maps would only take up space and wouldn't be of help anyway
and
b) They only changed that part of the highway very recently (can't have happened more than six months ago), so having an old map wouldn't have been of help, anyway. And since I didn't know they changed it, I wouldn't have bought a new map in the past six months, either.
But, of course, he was right anyway. Just because. He kept raving on and on about it on our way back, too. But I kept quiet. When we got home, I just scratched my forehead a little. A million people a day do this and it doesn't mean a thing. But he immediately assumed that I had a headache. I said "No, I'm fine" but he didn't even hear me but immediately starting complaining about what a bad idea it had been to visit my uncle and that driving in darkness is bad and causes a headache and blah. I tried to tell him that I didn't mind but he wouldn't listen. So I freaked out and yelled at him, telling him to shut up and stop making assumptions and talking himself into a rage because of facts that don't even exist. He was stunned for a moment. A blissful moment filled with silence! And then, his usual reply came: "Everybody's against me just because I'm old. I'm not welcome here anymore, so I'll go to my flat." Apart from the fact that this is completely irrational, he's sort of right. He's neither welcome nor unwelcome. Because he never comes to visit us. He comes here because it's the place where there are always people whose ears he can nag off while talking about this and that and everything. I swear, sometimes he comes downstairs around noon. I pretend to be asleep or out then. And then I hear him talking to the cat! So why does he want to feel welcome with people he doesn't even actually...recognize? And I'm so sick of going through this drama over and over again. It's either sit there and let him talk, talk, talk until your head explodes or dare voice an opinion and have him at your throat within seconds...meh!
Today, I received another call telling me that another temp agency wanted to suggest me for some position as - dun dun dun - call center agent. I wanted to cry but told her to try it anyway. Ha, and that position is also in Cologne. No way am I gonna accept if they offer me the position unless the company's really great and the people are really nice. Oh yeah, the person who called was also the bitch from D�sseldorf. The one I had in interview with in October. I can't believe she actually called again. Out of all the millions of temp agency people I have met over the past months, she has to call. And hook me up with such a super-interesting job offer, too. Just my luck again. And as if that wasn't enough, she also complained about me not sending her a current photo of me "as she had asked for". Well, either I was asleep for a few seconds during the interview or she really didn't mention it. At least, I don't know anything about any photo. And she made this big deal out of it, telling me how she desperately needed a recent picture and blah. Which is bullshit because on the picture I sent to her, my hair is slightly shorter and I'm not wearing my glasses which I'm not wearing most of the time anyway. Yeah, I was wearing them when I went to the interview but geez, I forget to take them off every now and then. Shoot me. I told her my scanner wasn't working (couldn't tell her I have no more recent pics because I'm going to get new ones taken on Thursday, could I?) and that I could only send her a crappy digicam pic my Mom could take in the evening which she seemed to be satisfied with. Then she'll get her goddamn picture in the mail next week and I hope that'll be enough.
And tomorrow, I desperately need to pay the gym a visit. I really feel like I need some workout. So it's a pretty busy week. I feel bad because I promised Tanja we'd go to the movies together this week but it looks like that won't happen and we'll have to do it next week instead...
My Chemical Romance - You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us in Prison