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can you see me smile?
2003-09-03
i'm not a happy little girl anymore. when i think back i am but then i remember that i can't live through it again and then it depresses me.
the worst thing is that noone really knows how i feel. except from tina (who doesn't seem to care/understand) and some people on aad (whose opinions don't seriously matter to me). i haven't spoken to maja ever since she left which has several (non-negative) reasons. apart from that i've spoken to dozens of people without ever letting them see how i feel. i even lied to my mum and annette, saying i was feeling good. i'm getting fairly good at this.
and to add to it all, i'm also being bothered by some idiot on icq. he keeps talking to me and saying crap like 'i love you' and blablabla. two night's ago he kept babbling about machine head and i just said that i know who they are but for some twisted reason he thinks i'm a fan of them now. and he keeps saying how we're meant to be together because we're both such huge fans and all. idiot.
anyway..i think the glitter glue has dried and i can continue writing the letter i started an hour ago. and then i should try to go to bed soon to at least get enough sleep and be in shape for my big role as 'the happy little girl' tomorrow...
11:08pm - i finally changed my older entries archives so there are less archives and it's less user friendly but having over 20 archives was getting a little messy...
i'm back to work tomorrow and that means i'll also be back to pretending i'm a normal person. i have no idea how to get through the next year. i'm more or less planning a gig-hopping. you know, like...ozzy next week, placebo in october, manson in november...then something in december, then AFI next year. i don't know, that's the only way i can imagine myself to survive. i was trying to have a little glimpse of what the closer future is gonna look like and it's terrifying. i'm at that place til september, then school for three months, then back to some probably equally boring place and then the final exams which i will no doubt fail and then another year spent at other awful places and school and then i might pass at second try and then i'll be out on the street as they'll never emply me afterwards. sounds scary? well, try putting yourself in my situation and then look at it. ok, i'm a pessimist but still...maybe some details will be different but that's pretty much how the next 2-3 years will be. with occasional highlights like the last weekend, of course, but i don't even know if that is a good thing as they cheer me up for a ridiculously short time considering that i spend ten times the time being almost sick with depression and sadness.
the problem is that noone would understand. they'd think i'm silly for missing placebo and AFI. but that's not the point. of course, i miss them...if things went my way, they'd be running around and playing in my backyard forever. but what'd really making me sad is the whole boredom that is my life. that i hate every little bit of it. i hate living here, i hate being a bloody apprentice, i hate the company i work for, i hate not being able to spend my money wisely, i hate my room, i hate the boring german tv programme...i hate everything about it. and the fact that i was just shown all the things i could have or rather...that exist for other people just makes me sad. but nooo, people will never understand that. they'll just say "look at kathy...crying over some bands". this was actually what i meant in one of my last entries, about people being narrow-minded. they only see the superficial bit that is easy to see and that's it. bah.
AFI - the leaving song part II