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if you don't, don't
2002-03-03
so...everything's all new and pritty. ok, so everything's all new. full stop.
i got a big fat 'NO' from one of the companies i had applied to for an apprenticeship yesterday. that pretty much sucks. ok, i knew i'd get about a hundred 'NO's before i get one 'YES' but it still annoys me. yeah, i know i still have that job interview this month but as i said, it's not the job i really want and it looks like i'm gonna end up there. most female parts of my family work for the government and this job is related to the government, too, so somehow i have a feeling i'm gonna end up doing that as well. goddammit! so i'm gonna be the only fucking idiot to quit a job with a government to move over to england as soon as i have enough money. *g* i should really get an award for the most messed up life in the world. i mean, sure, there are people in worse situations than me but they don't have THAT many things they're insecure about and don't know what to do and stuff. i'd be glad if i had only one big problem. i mean, if you're a drug addict or mentally ill or anorexic or whatever it's bad and hard to get out but it is one thing you can concentrate on. it's one problem you can put all your strength in to solve. i have many many many semi-bad problems and i dunno where to start to solve them. and whenever i do start somewhere some bloody idiot comes along and tells me that what i've one was wrong. and being the insecure me that i am i believe them and stop doing what i'm doing and then i'm in even deeper shit and have a problem more and.... oh well, you get what i mean. and don't go telling me stuff like 'you mustn't listen to what others tell you' and bla now. i know that. i've said that a few times to myself and other people, already. it's nothing new. it's just to hard to follow. i feel like i need people's opinions and help and advice and i guess i do but i turn to the wrong people to get it and they just knock me down again. that's why i concentrate on making not-so-important decisions and plans like which festival i'm going to this summer and if i'm going to see placebo in this club next month or so. it's not gonna help me solve any problems but it's not gonna make them worse, either. and noone can tell me that i'm fucking up my life by going to a festival.
alright, enough ramblings for today. i've got an awful lot to do today (as usual on sundays) and i bet i won't even get helf of it done. (as usual on sundays) i have to re-dye my hair and take a shower and paint my nails and do my homework and study for the exam tomorrow and...uhm...i bet there's something else.
stay beautiful!
mail me if you wanna complain or praise me or something.
it's only 12.40pm and i just got up and i can already feel that this is gonna be 'one of those days'. i'm feeling pissed (not the alcohol-related way, tho) and depressed and just terrible. my grandpa was just here and just for his usual ramblings, i could have killed him. it wasn't so much what he said (he told us that someone had broken into his fave pub for like the third time in a few weeks) but his loud voice and how he talked himself into a kind of rage and blablabla. and as usual he expected me to be all thoughtful and have an opinion on anything (preferably sharing his own) and blabla. sorry, but if i just got up and i'm not really awake yet and bot planning to wake up properly, either, i'm just not in the mood for such huge discussions. i am registering what he's saying, yeah, but thinking about it and really making up my mind about it is to much to ask of me on sunday noon.
the reason why i'm in such a foul mood might be that even in my dreams last nite i had an argument. i dreamed that my mom had gotten herself a new lover who moved into our apartment with his 2 sons (strangely the boys were malcolm and one of his brothers - i'm talking about 'malcolm in the middle' here) and for some reason we had 3 instead of 2 bedrooms. my mom had promised me that i'd get her bedroom then and we had already moved all the furniture in there but after i got home (from a placebo gig 
they had moved the boys' furniture in there and stuff and i got into a heated discussion with my mom's new lover. it kind of scared me cos i dunno what it means. not the subtle meaning that you can read in books. but i mean, i was kinda feeling some sort of jealousy and i'm worried that i'd really react like that if my mom got a new lover. in a way it would be her own fault because ever since my parents divorced (about 12 or 13 years ago) she only had like 2 or 3 'affairs' and i hardly ever *really* got to know the guys. and am i like that friendship-wise, too? i dunno. sometimes i react a bit harsh when i'm getting dumped because people are doing something with someone else or so but i can't really tell if i do what i do because i'm jealous. but then...jealousy is one of those emotions that you never really admit to yourself, isn't it? usually you'd find excuses for yourself and pretend that you really had a good reason to behave like a complete arsehole. ah, i dunno, the dream, however, troubled me a lot. not even in my dreams am i all peaceful and stuff. noooo, i even have to get into arguments with fictional characters and they really really really annoy me, even more than some 'real' people. when i woke up, i guess i'd have killed the guy, had he really been there. *sigh* but then again, right now i just wanna kill everybody. brian molko himself could walk in right now and i'd scratch his eyes out if he made the wrong comment.
oh, btw, when i say i just got up it's only half-true. in fact, i did just get up but i was up before, too. i set my alarm clocks (yes, clockS...) to 5am so i'd be all up and ready for the placebo special on telly this morning. yeah, i am a sick little person but as i said, i killed my remote control and now there's no way for me to set the vcr anymore so i have to be there and click the 'record' button in time. not that i'd have trusted my vcr if the remote wouldn't be broken, tho. it fucked things up far too often. i can't wait for june when i'll get the money from my bank account. i'm gonna buy a tv set, a vcr, a dvd player and a minidisc player then. and the rest is gonna be saved on a new bank account again. yey.
anyway, so i got up at 5.20am (i need like 20mins to wake up properly) and sat in front of the telly. and they were showing that concert of this really old and crap band before the cebo special. euw... 4 or 5 really old and fat men were hopping around half-naked. someone should tell some people that it IS quite cool to take off your shirt while playing your guitar, but only if you look like it, too. if your six-pack looks like six flour sacks stuffed together, it's not nice anymore. not that i like six-packs, tho. but everything's better than that. 
but all that was forgotten when the cebo special finally started. it was a really really old gig. from 96. hehe. boy, was i laughing my arse off. brian was wearing those fucking awful sunglasses which look pretty similar like my mom's (she insists that they're so great because they're like 10 years old and she loves them and blah) and a shirt that looks like he'd bought it in one of those 'save the world and its resources and the nature's so great and this shirt was made of bamboo that had already been eaten by a panda bear and this panda bear also made it'-shops. and stef looked ok but so unspecial compared to his current stage-persona. oh, and evil robert was still in the band and throughout the whole special i kept going like 'he stinks! he stinks! he stiiiinks!' 
ok, i know i shouldn't say that and i'm biased cos i haven't been a fan then and steve will always be my darling and blah. but he just looked sooo not nice or whatever. steve's never the happiness himself, either, but at least he manages to look nice. robert just looked like EVERYTHING about the whole thing pissed him off so much. pff! he stinks! hehe. and i mean, don't blame me. it was 6am on sunday morning, i was sitting on the floor in front of the telly and i was damn tired and cold and whatever. i had to do something to keep myself alive. harrassing robert seemed like a good thing to do by then. 
:::liebling:::
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