Home
Archives
Profile
Book
Notes
Mail
Cast
Misc
Rings
Host
Am I Coming Through?
2006-11-02
Wow, this feels like I haven't written anything in ages. But I checked my buddy list and it said it's only been 49 days. Still quite a long time but I definitely feel like I've gone a year without updating. So much has happened in the past month that I don't even know where to begin and I'm sure I'll miss a few parts.
First of all...the AFI tour. It was both, the best and the most exhausting thing I've ever done. Due to A. not wanting to fly (and me not being keen on the idea, either) we drove everywhere. Which meant spending most of the time in a car with at least 2 other people. Sleep was rare, so was decent food. But it was brilliant. I wouldn't have ever imagined it but even the waiting in front of the venues was fun. It used to be my ultimate nightmare at other gigs because I'd get bored and concentrate on everything bad. This time we had so much fun. Maybe it really depends on the right people. Or the right band. I don't know. There were times, when I thought I'd just give up and stand at the back. But then, someone came along to cheer me up. And inside the venue, the support acts would come on and make it all better. And as soon as AFI came on, everything was right in the world anyway.
When I wrote that the ending was perfect, I lied. The last gig was, yes. But as soon as we were back in Germany, reality hit. Hard. My cell rang and it was my mom to tell me to come to the hospital as quickly as possible. At first, I didn't even realise what was going on, until I remembered that my Grandpa was in hospital. He had been since before I left and I had already had a strange feeling in London but had tried to shrug it off after talking to L. and K. about it and they all said I should try and make the best of the situation since there was nothing I could do anyway. And I guess there really wasn't. That didn't help the rotten feeling I had after that phonecall, though. I just never thought it would go that fast!
So, within those few weeks, almost my entire life changed. Though I didn't get to see my Grandpa everyday, he pretty much directed my days. He was the reason we did or didn't things. Like our family had dinner at a certain time because he needed that stability and routine to not forget when to take his pills and all. Now it seems, my mom and I can pretty much do whatever we want which is both, a relief and confusing.
Ok, that took me 1.5h to write now. Which is entirely too long. And I need sleep. Now.
I don't think I can write a proper review. It would end up as a massively long paragraph of fangirling. Everything was so perfect and I was so happy - I doubt I could even come up with the tiniest bit of criticism. Although I'm sure there were at least small things that were wrong. But I don't care. It had a perfect start and a perfect ending. And what came inbetween just blew me away.
Well, the most remarkable part of the tour was most likely me finally getting to meet Jade. The others, too, but that meant I've accomplished my little mission of meeting the whole band. In Cologne, however, he managed to drive past me again. Unfortunately, it was also the last date of the German leg of the tour which meant it was my last evening with a lot of the people as well. I guess, that was a little much for me because I had a massive breakdown right there and then. Well, no, I managed to "hide" in my car. Though I could have just broken down right in the middle of the venue because almost the entire crowd had to walk past my car and peek into it anyway. Or that's how I felt. It made me feel like a loser but I couldn't help it. Then, T. came out and cried, too. Then J. cried again. M. too...and in the end, pretty much everyone was crying. Oh dear!
So that's pretty much everything I can write about it at this point. I could write a step-by-step story but that would only make me cry again.
So I arrived at the hospital and immediately knew that there was no chance for any sort of wonder healing. I went to pick up my aunt and uncle from the train station and when I led them to my Grandpa's room, that was the last time I actually got to see him. I left after a minute because I really can't deal with situations like that. The only reason I had gone into that room was because my mom had told me that he had been asking for me. So it was kind of the least I could do after all the things he's done for me. But staying around any longer would have killed me.
I still had to drive A. back to the train station later that day and when I returned, my mom, aunt and uncle were in the living room, so I immediately knew it was over. I think they were slightly irritated because I just grabbed the phone and called Maja instead of sitting with them. The thing is just that my family's never been about talking things through, so I felt much more comfortable talking to Maja right then.
Today was the funeral. Lots of people I had never seen before. I guess they all thought I was a cold-hearted bitch. My mom was crying, so were my aunt and uncle. I wasn't. I'm sorry but "please cry now"-scenes like that aren't for me. I was cold, I was uncomfortable, the priest dude simply sucked (in fact, the whole church thing wasn't for me)...I just wanted to go home. I know it was my Grandpa being buried and stuff but the whole situation was just wrong.
Also, I was scared my dad would show up. It's been almost exactly four years and by now, I just wouldn't know how to react anymore. What to say to him, what to do. There were times when I wanted to yell at him, at some point I was even ready to just forgive and forget. By now, I just don't really...care anymore. I'm still hurt by his behaviour but I don't need nor want him around anymore. My mom met my other aunt the other day and apparently, my father's entire family is arguing because of me at the moment. Mostly because they all thought it sucked that he didn't show up when I was in hospital. What they don't get, however, is that I don't want them to fight my battle. I don't need them to stick up for me. If I wanted him to know I'm hurt, I'd call him to let him know. If I felt the need to scream everything he's done wrong in his face, I'd do that. But the truth is, I don't want anything to do with him at the moment. And it's not helpful when they're trying to push him towards me. One day, he'll call and that's when the real trouble starts. Also, I know that he'll blame me for all the arguments with his family though I wasn't even around. I haven't spoken to them any more than I've spoken to him. But SHE will make it sound like I'm trying to turn everyone against them...mostly HER.
And the AFI tour has changed me, too. I can't even tell in which way. It just has. I made a lot of new friends. I learned a lot about myself. It's just awesome!
And what better way to celebrate it than by getting a new tattoo?! Which is what I'm planning soon. Right now, I can barely afford being alive. But I'm planning to get an appointment for December or January. Actually, I have three things planned. But I think I'm getting the two smaller ones first and then the bigger one a few weeks later. That's the easiest and least expensive (for now) way to do it. I don't wanna say what they are, though. Mostly because it'll make me look stupid if I change my mind in the last minute or something...
REM - It's The End of The World As We Know It